Shiny and new hub

NEW SUVARNABHUMI Airport is causing quite a stir in Bangkok. Everyone thinks it's open too early; no one knows where to go; some people fear the luggage might go walkies. Some of it does.

Also it is big, white, cold, and serves sushi from high stooled little bars selling Champagne.

I don't know what all the fuss is about. It seems like any other airport to me.

Later alligator

Middle watery Thailand

One's fortune is another's disaster. October has been a good month for the Siamese Crocodiles of the farms of Ayutthaya. The rains that have brought flooding and super high Chao Phraya river levels in Bangkok have allowed 30 of our freshwater friends to slide to murky freedom.

So far 6 have turned up. (And been killed.)

Meanwhile the flooding continues to inundate buildings near rivers. Including peoples houses. Mothers are worried there may be a crocodile invasion; there may be trouble ahead.

This snappy topic has allowed me to clear up an issue with a waitress and friend called Mua. Now when I say 'see you later alligator', and she says 'after a while crocodile' she actually knows what is a crocodile. (Not to mention how good at sketching I am.)

There is nothing so bad that no good comes of it. If anyone else requires English tuition I am available for € 8 per word.

Go-Go girls and Thai Thais (less so)

'No Thais allowed' is prominently displayed (and I'm told enforced) in the Guest House which nicely houses me. Surprised? Don't be.

It is to save the establishment hassle from the authorities who might have something to say about a less clear policy leaving the potential for working girls to be working in one of the rooms. (Some holidaying fellas come lookin' for love, when they come to Thailand.)

Girls A Go-Go
In Bangkok, Patpong, one adult entertainment street, sports 5000 Thai girls nightly embracing and revolving around poles in 80 musically supportive bars. It has earned the district world fame.

Less well known, those wriggling ladies and ladyboys, varying boy to girl in betweens, are now able to apply for a new 60 hour training course to be provided by an equally less known NGO, Empower Foundation.

The mainly classical dance training is hoped will reduce the number of injuries incurred by the girls while they are gyrating. Empower Foundation also provides some language education to the girls, who often move to the Kok from the provinces of Thailand. (The Bangkok Post has the full story, temporarily.)

Trouble down south
Relatively, Thailand is one of the most unified nations, though it is far from homogeneous. Unsurprisingly, peoples from different parts of the country, some who speak different languages, and/or are not Buddhist, have different career options available to them.

Thai Thais, by which I mean the Buddhist, King adoring, Tai ethnic groupers, are relatively well-off folk and the most friendly people in the world; conversations usually start with mutual smiles.

Except when they regard people who aren't those things (and aren't tourists or businessmen). Three provinces close to Malaysia in southern Thailand are largely Muslim. They have few sympathisers among Thais who don't regard them as part of their life.

Again not surprising. But fascinating. To me at least. More in a near future entry (so up on your screen)...

Monarch Mondays, 2006

Not being a lover of routines, the thought of wearing a predetermined shirt each week on the same day is to me as appealing as drinking pebble dash cement.

But then I do not 'Love my King', unlike 50 million+ Thais* who very much do, 'always and forever'. The love perhaps jumps a little higher when they don their yellow King tribute shirts every Monday. This popular trend is special this year particularly because his majesty's 60th anniversary of being King, is being celebrated.

To say the King, Bhumibol, is popular is an incomprehensibly large understatement. Support is fanatical in parts.

His portrait is everywhere; he is dedicated a song in cinemas to a standing audience before each movie, during which his various benevolent acts are pictured; the national anthem is played daily at 6pm; and, he's in the papers every day.

When the last PM was recently 'moved aside' the nation paused for a day. The next morning everyone returned to normal; the drama was over for normal Thais. So what happened?

The King said nothing is what. And that was what everyone was waiting (and hoping) for. People were not taking time to chew the cud, they were waiting to see if the King spoke, if he had an objection. His silence confirmed he didn't*2 and so all was well.

What a guy. Feel the love.

* See definition in 'PARAGON PROBE'.

*2 Many believe the coup would never have happened without his prior counsel. This, though, is not confirmed.

PARAGON PROBE...

A SHALLOW GUSSLY CONCERNS HIMSELF WITH COOL. (MEANWHILE COOL IS BUSY.)

Can it be gained by surrounding a non-cool article around cool things? If yes, I want my life to stop now.

I want my coolometer to be judged on the hour I am spending right here right now.

To explain...

First, my cinema computer*. Actually I can't see a computer, only a screen, which I have 3 metres away from me because it is so humongous.

Cleverly, this is possible because my armchair is shaped to allow a roller table, on which a wireless keyboard and mouse rest, to slide right up to my belly button. (There's also space for a mug of mochachocadingochino.)

The screen is awesome. By that I mean big.

With all the others (screens) at varying heights the place feels like a newsroom. I imagine. (Actually I haven't the foggiest. Though, I have seen the 'Clark and Lois' series - this place is a dead ringer for the Daily Planet's 'newsroom'.)

Second, music. Currently Bella Fitzgerald.

Third, and most cool of all, a 10 metre wide cinema screen hangs from the ceiling. Highlights from the shark pool, are beamed up from Ocean World in the basement 6 floors downstairs. I like the tigers (sharks) best.

Where am I? True Urbanpark, in Siam Paragon.

If I haven't convinced you, perhaps outside, which is still inside, the 2nd floor would. That's car world. Currently in stock: a Porsche 911; a Ferrari F430; Lamborghini Murcielagos (2). There's also a 16 screen cinema on the top floor with the disco bowling alley next door.

Have I reached cool? Not likely. But I have enjoyed being around it. To be (vainly) continued...

* Conversation preceeding my seating at cinema computer.

Me: (to two, typically attractive Thai girls) Sawadee khrap (hello).

Girls: Sawadee kha (hello back).

Me: Internet please.

Girl #1: Oh Kay. Please wait a momenn.

She laughs - this often happens to me - and goes to a till.

Girl #1: Sit down. Now. Just a momenn. Forty baht please.

Me: Ah. There you are. (I'm not cool yet.)

Girl #1: Oh Kay. That pays for the internet, now what about me? (Cue teeth and cheek to cheek smile.)

Martial Law but no Mr. T...

In the Land of Smiles

Guess what I've woken up with every morning for 6 weeks?

It's only a hangover - one I achieve without drinking anything alcoholic.

Tired of this unrelenting daily annoying sickthummy, and fed up of my no-booze cruise, last night I had me a little experiment: ten bottles of Heineken.

So I have hangover (again). But at least I feel I deserve it this time. (I shall be learning the name of my doctor when I get back to the UK.)

---

Next, the UK's hottest Thai celebrity resident: Thaksin Shinawatra.

He's the most hated man in Thailand, which is now controlled by the army; with the support of people and their King, who in his 60th anniversary year is the world's most popular monarch.

Mr. T began the month with a job, as a twice elected Prime Minister, but has since been popularly fired and forced to bunk up with his daughter at University in London.

Thailand's new PM, Army General Surayud Chulanont, said deflated Thaksin is 'entitled to return, but only at the right time'. Which from Thai to English approximates to not soon.

Ah well, at least he'll be able to watch the days and minutes go by on some of his 35 gold watches. Time is on his side (well wrist). Even if nothing else is.

And now... Borat. High five!

Following the approach of Donny Rumsfeld and the Neocons, helping everyone stay sane by promoting something ambiguous to believe in, I am joining support for a newer talisman to replace the void the ended Hoff campaign has left.

'He's kind of a genius' thinks Will Ferrell. So do I.

Step up Borat Sagdiyev - the living legend.

Embrace the phenomenon. Interpret the controversy.

Get behind your man. And his new film. JAGSHEMASH!

Kok Rock

Unknown to 9 out of 10 Kokkers, Thais who reside in the Kok, the Khao San Road, a street in Bangkok, is known to every traveller in the last thousand years who has come to Thailand before they were 30.

The street today gives volunteers dreads; provides authentic Thai interpretations of young westerners' views of Thai food, served in white polystyrene; and three 7Elevens. Surrounding the backpacker Mecca the area also provides cheap beds, hence my repeated involvement with it.

This time, my room is a special one: it has a window. Sunlight shines through my window on to my mattress up to 20 minutes a day. At night I have a front row portal to the nightclub downstairs, which is a real bonus. The West's finest 3 month old pop is chimed out till silly O'clock. Repetition of the same songs is a common strategy to their set.

This does not, however, present a problem for the nearly narcoleptic Gussly. Usually I sleep through the night.

A foreign 'affairs' correspondent leaves mark

A SPRITE GUSSLY, on his first attempt at grown-ups world, teamed up with a dirty old man from Paris.

JP, with his black paintbrush moustache and brylcreamed grey wiry hair, impressed on me how much Finsbury Park's 'entertainment' impressed on him. Which was gross.

As well as North London's poor ladies of the night, the Frenchman was a lover of routine. From my seat in the office, barely 2 metres from his, as the least disagreeable of the topics on offer, I usually opted for placating his second commentary.

Mainly he talked of time; whether he was late or early; what time the sandwich man arrived compared to the day before; how long the printer took to run. He loved it, I loathed it.

And I still do. It is automatic. Since those dark times my template has been altered: I fear routines.

The trouble is they seem to creep in anyway. I am largely spending my week in the Kok researching work and housing (in London). It is quite routiney. Uuuurrrghhh.

Trust (Thai) men, not machines

The Kok, Thailand

CATASTROPHE sounds better in French. But it also described what happened to me a few weeks ago.

My iPod and memory stick bore the brunt of an evil USB delivered e-virus, as I despaired over losing every electronic data I stockpiled over the last six months.

I felt and feel embaressingly pathetic. I have been affected by something I can't see nor explain.

On seeking a solution, today, a smiling Bangkok youth said he'd take a look for me.

To my elation, and restoring faith in our competitiveness with machines, he had achieved the impossible: my music catalogue was back. Man beat machine. What a John. (Legend.)

Thumbs, bums, guns - separately, together

Thailand

PEDESTRIANLY, I am not one who openly encourages putting thumbs up, mid air, as confirmation of something.

Nevertheless I have my slips, one of which came today as I was to leave an aeroplane.

My air flight attendant and the on the ground airport person gave two thumbs up (at me) as the okay to step down; as well as pinball Thai smiles.

Before I knew it, I made it three thumbs up, hotly followed by a face of realisation, of my participation in this truly nerdy situation, of 3 strangers unanimously thumbing up at the back of a plane full of others wanting just to disembark.

---

This entry is part of the 'Bloggers are people too' mini season. Although some portray thoroughly unendingly interesting lives they, also do quite prosaic things. (Of which I tend to do more, despite best intentions.)

One such normality is them thumbing up. Another is wiping their bums. Unless they are in Thailand, then they spray their behinds with the greatest single enhancement to toilet facilities given to the world since the wet flush: the bum gun.

Uncomplimentary Condominclosed

Hotel room, Xishuangbanna, China

Ever found yourself short of time? What about pants? Or a condom?

If the answer is yes, organise yourself better. Or vacation in Chinese hotels.

Amongst the mock soap and shower caps, in some more discerning accommodations lurks the answer to your stumper: 'High Quality Antisepsis & Healthy Pants (Common Size)... 100% Cotton'. Legendary.

The underthings in my room were of a flat front style. So - cool. They also looked flimsier than rice paper soaked in sea water.

For 10 Yuan you get one or other of those with a Chinese johnny. (Most likely sized for a Chinese physiology. In case you're wondering.)

Money doesn't buy happiness. But it does buy Chinese boys and girls love and style for one night. And it comes in pastel yellow or baby blue.

P.S. There are no unintnetional spelling mistakes in this entry.

THE WHOLE OF THE MOON AND CAKE

Mid-Autumn Festival, China

For weeks Yunnan folk have been buying cakes with 2005 sell-by dates.

Today, to mark the full moon, which is marking the middle of Autumn in the Chinese lunar calendar, they eat their Moon Cakes.

Every day is special. But today is more special. Happy holiday.

P.S. Get Hoff to No. 1, do the right thing.

High Teabrow?

UN DARINGLY little, is what I knew about tea. But no more. Last night I lived it up; the back wheels came off. I drank the night away in a tea shop til 11.30.

In China tea is shared. My server and host was Neddy. He does enough part time tea serving to keep him in Tour Guiding. My sharers smiled and liked the way I tipped my tea.

We drank mainly Puer Tea, in small glasses carefully poured by skilled, knowledgeable hands. I liked it a lot and brought some.

Ought I be spending a Wednesday night going out on the tea?

Probably not. It surely downs me on the coolometer. Ah well - at least I can fall back on my other skills which continue to grow in number.

Today I have realised a new potential, to eat peanuts with chopsticks.

Happy Birthday Dear China

While 200,000 mainly Han Chinese were celebrating the anniversary of the founding of China in Beijing, this morning, in Zhongdian near Tibet, people were just celebrating.

Tiananmen Square, in Beijing, also boasted 12 handicapped citizens who camped overnight to get a good spot to see the Peoples Republic of China flag hoisted on this 57th National Day.

China is comprised of at least 50 ethnic people groups - which national day do they celebrate?

One Tibetan in Zhongdian said he would celebrate the 'Tibet National Day'. As it is, the Tibet Autonomous Region (TAR) remains firmly part of China with 3000 people arriving in it's capital, Lhasa, every day. (Their national day is just a dream.)

But don't worry if you missed today's National Day - it has, in fact, been extended to a week; first to include the Chinese lunar calendar mid-Autumn day (October 6th), second to encourage the affluent eastern coast folk to spend their cash on a holiday.

For the whole week China's Yunnan Province is working Chinese tourism. In Lijiang this has meant some bars price their beer higher than Shanghai does; in Zhongdian the government has, since 1999, renamed the county Shangri La.

Meanwhile I am sharing my visit with millions of Chinese. Or around 0.5% of the population.